My ex husband was awful to me. Not only did he cheat and lie all the time, he was also abusive.
Growing up I witnessed my dad being abusive to my mom; I hated it, and vowed never to let a man treat me that way. I thought she was the most stupid woman ever to stay with him.
In the beginning...
My
story starts with one little push. I had started moving into my ex's
house, and we got into a fight, I do not remember why. Out of anger he pushed me. I was taken aback. Immediately I burst into tears and left.
I should have trusted myself at that point. I knew then it was only the
beginning. He apologized, we made up, and he promised to never do it
again.Well that one push turned into a slap, and later more. There was also a lot of verbal abuse at first. His favorite name for me was 'Bitch'. I hate that word! Eventually, and accidentally, I got pregnant. I thought maybe things would get better, but they just continued to get worse. We would fight (mostly because I knew he was cheating and I would confront him about it) and he would end up choking me, pulling my hair, or hitting me in the face. More than one time I showed up to work with bruises on my face. I became a walking cliché, forcing the words, "I'm so clumsy."
I had my daughter finally, after months of the abuse and him hounding me to get an abortion, and things got even more horrific. For some reason, I became very afraid after I had her. Something changed in me, I do not know what. There was a time that he was jealous of one of his friends, who had called to find him. He thought that he called for me, even though I clearly stated that the friend was asking for him. We argued, and then he left with another girl and our daughter, locking me out of the house. It was night time and cold. I wandered around for awhile thinking about things. I ended up back at our car, which thankfully was unlocked, because I was very cold, and had no coat. I sat in the car for a few hours waiting for him to come home. Finally he got there, and I guess he was still angry so he took our daughter upstairs and put her in her crib and then came back down the stairs (we had an upstairs apartment) and started yelling at me. I do not remember what happened, but I think he was trying to get me upstairs. I was to upset because he left with another girl, one he clearly told me he had slept with. I did not want to be around him, this made him furious so he literally ripped my shirt off of me, and started pulling me by my hair up the stairs. We got almost to the top when he started punching me in the head. I must have passed out, because the next thing I knew I was in the house laying down.
Another time we
were arguing in the car about his anger problem. He hit me in the face
so I said, "stop the car". Surprisingly he did, I opened the door and as
soon as I had one foot on the ground, he floored it and started driving.
My foot got stuck in the door and I fell onto my back and the car
dragged me a feet before he finally stopped. Our daughter was in the
backseat crying at this time. I was crying as well, there were a lot of
tears, a lifetime of tears, in that period of my life. He got out and
helped me up and insisted that he was so sorry, he did not mean too. I
was not ready for his apology so I began to walk away, he did not want
me to, so he yelled at me. When I did not return to the car immediately,
he began throwing rocks at me. That showed me how sorry he was. I
finally got into the car and said, "I am leaving today, unless you get
help for your anger problem!" He agreed. The next few months he went to
therapy. He was put on medication for Schizo-affective disorder.
I thought that he really was trying to change. He ended up not linking
the way his medication made him feel, so he stopped taking it and things
got bad again. This was the lowest point for me. I had put so much into
us and making it work, that I had nothing left of me! I was like an
empty shell, so tired. I just wanted to rest for a while. I was having anxiety attacks,
and felt like I had no strength to carry on. I will not say that I
tried to take my own life with pills one night, but I did take them to
find peace and get some "rest". I was so tired.What was I thinking?...
If
you wonder why I stayed, I simply kept hoping that the nice, romantic
guy that I met in the beginning would come back. Now, I realize that
he never would come back, because that is not who he really was. It was
a front, a way to con me. And con me he did. I had fallen in love and
thought that love endured everything! I also had immense compassion for
him. When he would cry to me and say I am sorry, it would break my
heart, more than it was already, and the only thing that I knew how to
do was stay. It happened over and over again until I lost myself in the
cycle, and didn't know how to depend on myself. My strength, and
confidence had been stripped from me with each swing he took. I did not
know that life could be better. Now I understand my mom. She was not
stupid, as I am not stupid. She was caught in a web, wrapped up tight
the way a spider wraps it's victim, slowly draining the life from it.
When you are that wrapped up, you have no arms to pull yourself out. You
have to rely on others to loosen the bondage. The abuse literally
drains you and makes you loathe yourself!My saving grace...She made me hate him instead of myself.
A
gleam of light- a small bit of hope, shone through my dark blackness. I
met a remarkable woman who became my closest friend, I have shared
things with her that I have never shared with anyone. It was like a
miracle that I met her when I did. I don't know what would have happened
if I had not met her. Perhaps I would still be drowning in my own hell.
There are no words to describe how thankful I am for her help. I was
drowning and she reached out and gave me a hand, and saved me. She did
not push me to leave my ex, but she lived her life and helped me see the
beauty of life through example. She showed me friendship, love,
sisterhood, independence, compassion and whole lot of fun. She helped me
remove the hatred from myself, and place it on the correct person,
him. She made me see myself through the loving eyes of a friend, instead of the monster I had become complacent with. I am the person I am today partly because of her. And the person I
am, I am in LOVE with! 
To
make a long story short, I eventually borrowed enough confidence from
my friend, to finally leave and be free. The road to my independence was
long, and it was like drug rehabilitation. I had to learn to overcome
the addiction of the abuse and all the drama that accompanied it, and
stand on my own two feet. I had an obligation to my daughter to do this.
She was the only thing that mattered to me in the world. I did not want
her to go through what I had, or live in such conflict. She deserved peace and stability. Domestic abuse
is terrible for children to be around. It causes brain patterns in them
that are similar to military personal who have seen combat. I also did
not want to be a bad example to her, teaching her that it was okay for a
man to treat her that way. I lived single for about a year and enjoyed
myself and my daughter. I started college, and developed a great life
for us. Along the way, without knowing it, I had gained my own strength
and confidence, and I finally had something to give back. Something to
give a future partner, and my child, and other future children.My Happy Ending...
I
met an amazing man, who loves me for who I am, and treats me like a
queen. We have been together for four years now. We were married three
years ago, and have had two beautiful children. Our family is complete. I
can see us growing old together, enjoying each other for the rest of
our lives. He has never said a mean thing to me, or even threatened
raising a hand to me, or called me a name. Sure we have disagreements
and sometimes arguments, but we do not fight. Fighting is mean and
spiteful. Fighting
is when you try your hardest to hurt the other by all means necessary.
How can it be called love if you try to cause the other pain? I am not
overly religious, but I follow the list/example of what love should be,
from First Corinthians 13, 4-8: "Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight
in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I
now know how good life can be. I will not ever take advantage of the
good I have been blessed with. I remind myself daily where I have come
from. Some nights even, I have terrifying dreams where I am back in that
hell, held captive. I wake up so relieved and thankful when I glance
over at the incredible man snoring loudly, and peacefully next to me. I
can think of no one else, that I would want as a better example for my
children, of how to be, and how to live. He makes me want to be
a better person, and in all things he stands by my side and offers
never-ending support. Tears of gratitude come to my eyes thinking about
him, and my friend, and the past. I have come to a place in my life
where, even though it was horrific, I value my past as part of my life
story, a stepping stone to where I am now, and the person that I am
now. I would not change a thing, especially as it concerns my daughter.
She would not be here if it were not for my past. I sincerely do not
think that I would value or appreciate what I have now, if it had not
been for the hell that I faced.
My story is only but one...
It is heart breaking to know that there are still women out there who go through this. I wish that it was easy to help them break free, but sadly many do not want to, or know how to. They need a saving grace like my own. If you face this torture as I have, please take a look at the links, and please find someone who can be your temporary strength. You are so much more valuable than you know! You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way! You can have a happy ending also!And if you know someone who is abused, please help them. Offer any assistance you can. Who knows, you may be the one that saves their life, or their children's life!
Below are some help links dealing with domestic violence.
http://womenthrive.org/issues/violence?gclid=CN2F86SthLcCFQpxQgod5X4A7Q
http://dahmw.org/
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse-53/domestic-violence--abuse-shelters-340.html
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